some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
