It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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