you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
