please come you make the beer taste better
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
