you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
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just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
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New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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