that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
