It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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