i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
