That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
