i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
