there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?