WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet