Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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