I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
