We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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