i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.