If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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