I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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