I accidentally burped into my bong.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
