Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
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Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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