i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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