I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
