If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
