All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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