ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
