i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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