Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So squirting runs in the family.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
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