im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
