i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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