Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
