Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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