the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
