Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
