Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
im holly from the hills drunk
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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