my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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