we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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