Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
