How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
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