sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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