so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
