i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
