She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
