We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
