I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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