i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
