3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
