Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
