Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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