OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Who did Billy Mays play for?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
