just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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