I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
