I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
