I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We have so much sex to catch up on
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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