I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
