Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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