every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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