If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
