my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
