I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
